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yow
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A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
%
A GRAM?? A BRAM... A GROOM... A BROOM... Oh, Yeh!! Wash the ROOM!!
%
...A housewife is wearing a polypyrene jumpsuit!!
%
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
%
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
%
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
%
After this, I'm going to BURN some RUBBER!!
%
After THIS, let's go to PHILADELPHIA and have TRIPLETS!!
%
AIEEEEE! I am having an UNDULATING EXPERIENCE!
%
ALFRED JARRY! Say something about th' DEATH of DISCO!!
%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an
army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
%
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG
BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!!
%
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
%
All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
%
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
%
Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
%
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
%
Am I elected yet?
%
..Am I in a SOAP OPERA??
%
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
%
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
%
America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into your void
tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
%
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
%
An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
%
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
%
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
%
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S
HAIR!
%
Are BOTH T.V.S on??
%
.. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
%
..Are we having FUN yet...?
%
Are we live or on tape?
%
Are we on STRIKE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
%
Are we THERE yet?!
%
Are we THERE yet??
%
Are you guys lined up for the METHADONE PROGRAM or FOOD STAMPS??
%
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
%
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
%
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
%
Are you still SEXUALLY ACTIVE? Did you BRING th' REINFORCEMENTS?
%
As a FAD follower, my BEVERAGE choices are rich and fulfilling!
%
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
%
Ask me the DIFFERENCE between PHIL SoILVERS and ALEXANDER HAIG!!
%
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
%
Bagels...
%
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
%
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! But Ken says,
WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
%
BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've
ever heard!!
%
BEEP-BEEP!! I'm a '49 STUDEBAKER!!
%
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
%
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
%
... Blame it on the BOSSA NOVA!!!
%
.. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
%
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
%
BRILL CREAM is CREAM O' WHEAT in another DIMENSION..
%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
%
By MEER biz doo SCHOIN..
%
C'MON, everybody!! I've flown in LESLIE GORE and two dozen KOSHER BUTCHERS!
They'll be doing intricate MILITARY MANEUVERS to the soundtrack from
"OKLAHOMA"!!
%
CALIFORNIA is where people from IOWA or NEW YORK go to subscribe to CABLE
TELEVISION!!
%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
%
Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
%
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
%
CHUBBY CHECKER owns my BUILDING!
%
Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
%
Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
%
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!!
Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY
INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
%
CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY,
self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
%
Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's UNIFORM sheds TARTAR
SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
%
Could I have a drug overdose?
%
"DARK SHADOWS" is on!! Hey, I think the VAMPIRE forgot his UMBRELLA!!
%
Darling, my ELBOW is FLYING over FRANKFURT, Germany..
%
Dehydrated EGGS are STREWN across ROULETTE TABLES..
%
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in a
MALIBU HOT TUB?
%
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
%
Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
%
Did I SELL OUT yet??
%
Did we bring enough BEEF JERKY?
%
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
%
Did you find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA??
%
Did you GAIN WEIGHT in th' past 5 MINUTES or am I just DREAMING of two BROCCOLI
FLORETS lying in an empty GAS TANK?
%
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
%
DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
%
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
%
Didn't KIRKEGAARD wear out his TIRES in VIENNA during a SNOWSTORM of FREUD's
unpaid DENTAL BILLS?
%
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight
to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!
%
Dizzy, are we "REAL PEOPLE" or "AMAZING ANIMALS"?
%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
%
Do I hear th' SPINNING of various WHIRRING, ROUND, and WARM WHIRLOMATICS?!
%
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
%
.. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
%
Do you need any MOUTH-TO-MOUTH resuscitation?
%
Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
%
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
%
Does that mean I'm not a well-adjusted person??
%
.. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
%
DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!! Don't go!!
I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
%
Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
%
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
%
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! .. FRENCH,
HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES,
SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
%
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
%
Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
%
Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
%
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
%
Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a disaster
Movie!!
%
..Everything is....FLIPPING AROUND!!
%
Everything will be ALL RIGHT if we can just remember things about ALGEBRA.. or
SOCCER.. or SOCIALISM..
%
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
%
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of OFFSET
PRINTING?
%
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
%
Fell th' WHIRLING BUFFERS buffing away all that stress... Years of ROAD TAR
gently washing away...
%
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty dining
room.
%
FIRST, I was in a TRUCK...THEN, I was in a DINER...
%
FIRST, I'm covering you with OLIVE OIL and PRUNE WHIP!!
%
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test.. So just plug in
your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
%
FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH-NET-FISH!!
%
Fold, fold, FOLD!! FOLDING many items!!
%
FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
%
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic
solarium!!
%
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
%
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
%
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite
dish PAYMENTS!
%
...Get me a GIN and TONIC!!...make it HAIR TONIC!!
%
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
%
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
%
Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
%
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my pet
LEISURE SUIT!!
%
Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- When will I EVER stop HAVING FUN?!!
%
HAIR TONICS, please!!
%
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
%
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
%
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??... Now, it's time to
``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
%
Have my two-tone, 1958 Nash METRO brought around..
%
.. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
%
He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE... XEROX him... XEROX him --
%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me like a
BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE
ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my
apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
%
Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
%
HELLO, little boys! Gimme a MINT TULIP!! Let's do the BOSSA NOVA!!
%
--Hello, POLICE? I"ve got ABBOTT & COSTELLO here on suspicion of HIGHWAY
ROBBERY!!
%
Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!
%
Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES being almost
FORTY YARDS LONG!!
%
Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks!
%
Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles..
%
.. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
%
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
anywhere!!
%
Here is my refrigerator full of FLANK STEAK...and over there is my UPHOLSTERED
CANOE...I don't know WHY I OWN them!!
%
Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
%
HERE!! Put THIS on!! I'm in CHARGE!!
%
Hey!! Let's watch the' ELEVATOR go UP and DOWN at th' HILTON HOTEL!!
%
Hey, I LIKE that POINT!!
%
Hey, LOOK!! A pair of SIZE 9 CAPRI PANTS!! They probably belong to SAMMY
DAVIS, JR.!!
%
Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
%
Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
%
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some drunken
CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
%
Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a TROLLEY-CAR..
%
Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted island,
when...
%
Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
%
Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
%
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
%
HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
%
HOW could a GLASS be YELLING??
%
How do I get HOME?
%
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th' MOUSTACHE...
Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a
MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
%
How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL SHARPENERS
right NOW??
%
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
%
How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
%
.. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
%
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
%
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
%
Hydraulic pizza oven!! Guided missile! Herring sandwich! Styrofoam! Jayne
Mansfield! Aluminum siding! Borax! Pedal pushers! Jukebox!
%
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
%
I always liked FLAG DAY!!
%
I always wanted a NOSE JOB!!
%
I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
%
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
%
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
%
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
%
I am having a CONCEPTION--
%
I am having a pleasant time!!
%
I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
%
I am KING BOMBA of Sicily!..I will marry LUCILLE BALL next Friday!
%
I am NOT a nut....
%
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
%
I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
%
I call it a "SARDINE ON WHEAT"!
%
-- I can do ANYTHING ... I can even ... SHOPLIFT!!
%
I can see you GUYS an' GALS need a LOT of HELP...You're all very STUPID!! I
used to be STUPID, too..before I started watching UHF-TV!!
%
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has
these problems!
%
I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of LITTLE
LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
%
I decided to be JOHN TRAVOLTA instead!!
%
I demand IMPUNITY!
%
I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG
HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen-- .. to sell more numbers!!
%
.. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS
with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
%
I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS in my rear
molars..
%
I don't think you fellows would do so much RAPING and PILLAGING if you played
more PINBALL and watched CABLE TELEVISION!!
%
.. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
%
I feel better about world problems now!
%
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
%
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
%
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
%
I feel partially hydrogenated!
%
I feel real SOPHISTICATED being in FRANCE!
%
.. I feel.. JUGULAR..
%
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and
then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
%
I FORGOT to do the DISHES!!
%
I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
%
I guess we can live on his POT FARM in HADES!!
%
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
%
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
%
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
%
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
%
I HAVE a towel.
%
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
%
.. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
%
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
%
I have no actual hairline...
%
I have nostalgia for the late Sixties! In 1969 I left my laundry with a
hippie!! During an unauthorized tupperware party it was chopped & diced!
%
--- I have seen the FUN ---
%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket.. .. I have read the
INSTRUCTIONS...
%
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
%
I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because my
viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
%
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling every
day from Oral Roberts!!
%
I HIJACKED a 747 to get here!! I hope those fabulous CONEHEADS are at HOME!!
%
I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
%
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!
%
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
%
I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life savings
in yeast!!
%
I invented skydiving in 1989!
%
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
%
I just bought FLATBUSH from MICKEY MANTLE!
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker.. But now I can't remember WHO he is...
%
I just had a MAJOR CONTRACT DISPUTE with SUZANNE SOMERS!!
%
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
%
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
%
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch with my
LEISURE SUIT!!
%
I just put lots of the EGG SALAD in the SILK SOCKS --
%
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
%
..I just walked into th' HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES with fourteen WET DOLPHINS
and an out-of-date MARRIAGE MANUAL...
%
I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the
SIDE?
%
I Know A Joke
%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
%
I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own television
series!
%
I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
%
I LIKE Aisle 7a.
%
I like the IMPUDENT NOSE on that car.. Are you a TEEN-AGER?
%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
%
... I live in a FUR-LINE FALLOUT SHELTER
%
I love FRUIT PICKERS!!
%
--``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed
the cat. - Zippy''
%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
%
..I must be a VETERINARIAN..
%
I need "RONDO".
%
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
%
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
%
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
%
I OWN six pink HIPPOS!!
%
I predict that by 1993 everyone will live in and around LAS VEGAS and wear
BEATLE HAIRCUTS!
%
I pretend I'm living in a styrofoam packing crate, high in th' SWISS ALPS,
still unable to accept th' idea of TOUCH-TONE DIALING!!
%
I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think about GUN CONTROL
legislation..
%
I represent a sardine!!
%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
%
.. I see TOILET SEATS...
%
I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
%
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
%
.. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
MISAPPREHENSIONS...
%
I think I'll do BOTH if I can get RESIDUALS!!
%
.. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STOREY WINDOW while
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
%
I think I'll make SCRAMBLED EGGS!! They're each in LITTLE SHELLS..
%
...I think I'm having an overnight sensation right now!!
%
I think my career is ruined!
%
I think my CAREER is RUINED!!
%
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH RADIATION LEVELS
and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
%
.. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
%
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
%
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
%
I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
%
I want DUSTIN HOFFMAN!! .. I want LIBRACE!! YOW!!
%
I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
%
.. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF
HOURS!!!
%
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
%
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and
WHEAT THINS..
%
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
%
.. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
%
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
%
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
%
I want to TAKE IT HOME and DRESS IT UP in HOT PANTS!!
%
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
BACKWARDS!!
%
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
%
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
%
I was giving HAIR CUTS to th' SAUCER PEOPLE .. I'm CLEAN!!
%
I was in a HOT TUB! I was NORMAL! I was ITALIAN!! I enjoyed th' EARTHQUAKE!
%
I was in EXCRUCIATING PAIN until I started reading JACK AND JILL Magazine!!
%
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
%
I will establish the first SHOPPING MALL in NUTLEY, New Jersey...
%
I will invent "TIDY BOWL"...
%
I will SHAVE and buy JELL-O and bring my MARRIAGE MANUAL!!
%
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
%
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
%
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
%
.. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
STRANGER?
%
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
%
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
%
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
%
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
%
I'd like TRAINED SEALS and a CONVERTIBLE on my doorstep by NOON!!
%
I'll clean your ROOM!! I know some GOOD stories, too!! All about ROAD
Island's, HUSH Puppies, and how LUKE finds GOLD on his LAND!!
%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
%
I'LL get it!! It's probably a FEW of my ITALIAN GIRL-FRIENDS!!
%
..I'll make you an ASHTRAY!!
%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
%
I'll take ROAST BEEF if you're out of LAMB!!
%
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
%
I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
%
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
%
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
%
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
%
I'm an East Side TYPE..
%
I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
%
I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
%
I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials for ``RONCO MIRACLE
BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
%
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
%
I'm CONTROLLED by the CIA!! EVERYONE is controlled by the CIA!!
%
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
%
I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this miniature
DOMED STADIUM...
%
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
%
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
%
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
%
I'm EXCITED!! I want a FLANK STEAK WEEK-END!! I think I'm JULIA CHILD!!
%
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
%
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
%
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
%
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
%
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
%
I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
%
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
%
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in my PAJAMA
POCKET??
%
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and wealthy
CORPORATE LAWYERS..
%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
%
.. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER
DELI --
%
I'm in a twist contest!! I'm in a bathtub! It's on Mars!! I'm in tip-top
condition!
%
I'm in ATLANTIC CITY riding in a comfortable ROLLING CHAIR...
%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
%
I'm in DISGUISE as a BAGGAGE CHECKER....I can watch the house, if it's
ORANGE...
%
I'm in LOVE with DON KNOTTS!!
%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
%
I'm losing my hair..did it go to ATLANTIC CITY??
%
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my PERSONAL
SPACE!!
%
I'm MENTALLY here.. but PHYSICALLY I'm purchasing NAUGAHYDE furniture in the'
SUBURBS of PHOENIX!!
%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD STERLING
when you really need him?
%
I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
%
I'm not available for comment..
%
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
%
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
MONTALBAN!
%
I'm protected by a ROLL-ON I rented from AVIS..
%
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD'' while my wife and two
children stand QUIETLY BY..
%
I'm rated PG-34!!
%
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
%
I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!!
%
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin Hustle now!
%
I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
%
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE.. I'm WARM.. I'm
VIBRATORY..
%
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated IMAGE
FORMATIONS..
%
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
%
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER WORKINGS of
this POTATO!!
%
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
%
I'm wet! I'm wild!
%
I'm working under the direct orders of WAYNE NEWTON to deport consenting
adults!
%
I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
%
I'm ZIPPY!! Are we having FUN yet??
%
I've been WRITING to SOPHIA LOREN every 45 MINUTES since JANUARY 1ST!!
%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
%
I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER!!
%
I've got to get these SNACK CAKES to NEWARK by DAWN!!
%
I've gotta GO, now!! I wanta tell you you're a GREAT bunch of guys but you
ought to CHANGE your UNDERWEAR more often!!
%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
%
.. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr... ich lande im antiken
Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble... ich rieche PIZZA...
%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for MONTHS
at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a GREYHOUND
SCENICRUISER!!
%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy...
%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced
by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
%
.. If I cover this entire WALL with MAZOLA, wdo I have to give my AGENT ten per
cent??
%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
%
.. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
%
If I have enough money to buy 5,000 CANS of NOODLE-RONI, can I get a VAT of
MARSHMALLOW FLUFF free??
%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
%
- if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
%
If this is the DATING GAME I want to know your FAVORITE PLANET! Do I get th'
MICROWAVE MOPED?
%
If this was a SWEDISH MOVIE, I'd take off your GO-GO BOOTS!!
%
If you STAY in China, I'll give you 4,000 BUSHELS of "ATOMIC MOUSE" pencil
sharpeners!!
%
Imagine--a WORLD without POODLES...
%
Impudent.. Yet possessing a certain ALUMINUM SILICATE overbite....Needs
REDDY-WHIP!!
%
-- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a ``Continental
Belt,'' for $10.99!!
%
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
%
In order to make PLANS for the WEEKEND...so that we can read RESTAURANT REVIEWS
and decide to GO to that restaurant & then NEVER GO...so we can meet a FRIEND
after work in a BAR and COMPLAIN about Interior Sect'y JAMES WATT until the
SUBJECT is changed to NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL...and so our RELATIVES can FORCE us to
listen to HOCKEY STATISTICS while we wait for them to LEAVE on the 7:48....
%
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
%
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
%
Intra-mural sports results are filtering through th' plumbing...
%
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in Safeway?
%
Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild
afternoon??
%
Is it clean in other dimensions?
%
Is it FUN to be a MIDGET?
%
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate
of SAUCE MORNAY?
%
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
%
Is the EIGHTIES when they had ART DECO and GERALD McBOING-BOING lunch boxes??
%
Is there something I should be DOING with a GLAZED DONUT??
%
Is this "BIKINI BEACH"?
%
Is this "BOOZE"?
%
Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
%
Is this ANYWHERE, USA?
%
Is this BOISE??
%
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
%
Is this my STOP??
%
Is this TERMINAL fun?
%
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes
you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
%
Is this where people are HOT and NICE and they give you TOAST for FREE??
%
Isn't this my STOP?!
%
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
%
It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!
YOW!!
%
It's 74 degrees, 12 minutes NORTH, and 41 degrees, 3 minutes EAST!! Soon, it
will be TUESDAY!!
%
It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
%
It's hard being an ARTIST!!
%
It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!