Agile methodology: a management system that often requires to bend over backwards.
Amazon: an experiment designed to show that capitalism is terminally broken.
Android: a Google-owned cybernetic entity, or by metonymy, their smartphone’s operating system.
Apple Pay: see pleonasm.
Azure: a service named for the colour of the best-known screen designed by its publisher.
Big Data: applies to whatever is gathered by companies that are Voracious, Venomous and Vacuous.
Bug: any behaviour that marketing did not manage to justify.
C++: name given to C after it was rendered horrifyingly misshapen through unspeakable torture. A mercy kill would be indicated.
Chaos monkey: see release planning.
Cloud: a system that sends programs to be run by someone else’s computers, which are not always humans from low-income areas.
Comment: a useless and abusive response to a text published on a website. Some instances of them, like first, legally allow the author of the original contents to use lethal force.
Continuous integration: an easy task, try integrating a non-continuous function for a change.
Datacenter: a place that gathers all components of a distributed system.
Devops: two skills in one salary.
Elasticity: quality of the budget of a cloud first-time user.
Emacs: an operating system, development environment and gaming platform with an integrated web browser, also featuring a text editor.
Facebook: a platform that made trojans obsolete by showing that all there is to do to obtain personal data is ask for them.
Firefox: an endangered species for lack of vital space in its ecosystem.
Git workflow: any method for working with a revision control system. The most popular one is to push to master and yell at whoever created a conflict by pushing before you.
Github: a social network for developers. Planned features include live video feeds and a dating service.
Go: a programming language built for developers who don’t understand inheritance, parametric polymorphism and exceptions. That is, according to its designers, all of them.
Google Earth: a geological era that started in the beginning of the third millenium.
Internet: a communication system that millenials call Facebook.
iPhone: an experiment designed to determine how much customers are willing to spend on a cool-looking device that they are unable to use. A popular hypothesis is that this amount is, in fact, unbounded.
Java: a programming language made by twisting some of the features found in other languages decades earlier and declaring them new.
Javascript: a humorous demonstration of how not to design a programming language.
Kubernetes: a machine government system. Resistance is futile.
Merge conflict: happens when your changes and someone else’s are like water and oil. Can be solved by burning the oil.
Microsoft Works: see oxymoron.
Mysql: an attempt at implementing a relational database system without looking at the ISO SQL standard.
Password: a secret sequence of characters that, no matter the company policies, ends up being 1234.
PHP: a humorous demonstration based on the assumption that Javascript did not go far enough.
REST API: any HTTP API, provided marketing is good enough.
Ruby: an attempt at using rails to reach the cloud.
Scala: a language that combines the advantages of functional programming and the exciting opportunities of null pointer exceptions.
Slashdot: a distributed denial of service system relying on human beings.
StackOverflow: a service introduced when programming tools started shipping without a manual.
Startup: a tech company that can’t be bothered yet with paying the bills.
Troll: someone who spends just as much time as you online and has different opinions.
Tunnel effect: consequence of finding out that the light that can be seen when code is about to be delivered belongs to a train.
Twitter: a proof that 140 characters are enough to insult 50% of the world, subsequently upgraded to find out what the percentage becomes with 280 characters.
Update: process of replacing old bugs with fresh ones.
USB: a norm that brings all connectors into one. Currently comes in thirteen different shapes.
Vi: a program that tests whether the user can remember the :q! key sequence. The answer is usually negative.
Vocal assistant: see spy microphone.
Warning: a message similar to an error, only useless.
Wikipedia: see MMORPG.
Youtube: a place where cats have the last laugh.